...MEET THE 99 CREW
...THE 99 VOYAGE EXITS
...THE 99 CREW'S LOG
...THE 99 SPIT SOUVENIRS
...MAKE A 99 DONATION!!






















Here they are!! The 1999 crew that is aboard on one hell of a tour! Review your knowledge about the ladies first, then head on over to the 1999 logbook to read about their antics on the road!




Michelle Tea

Sign: Aquarius
Hometown: Chelsea, MA
Favorite Van Breakdown on 98 tour: That little town in New Mexico, when all the exhaustion of the previous six months caught up with me and I could not keep my eyes open, and lied delirious at the back of the van while it was dissembled around me and the earth-sign girls did yoga in the parking lot and scared the normal american travelers who thought we were a cult.
Best 98 Tour Bar Fight: The insane chaos Lynn Breedlove provoked when she whipped out her dick at Charlieís Kitchen in Cambridge, Massachusets and had a straight guy circus performer take out his dentures and give her a gum job, and the jockish catholic guy who somehow had managed to not get shot and killed by a high school student got upset and started yelling and I whipped a jar of Grey Poupon at him and he pulled out a knife. But no one got hurt!
Favorite Tour Beauty Product: Um, I like to sample the many different beauty products found in the showers of the nice girls who let us stay at their houses! Thanks!
from Valencia
Shelly grew up in a trailer park near the Everglades in Florida, she had already told me about how she saw Bigfoot there, all orange and furry, swatting for fish in the creek. But when she was like two years old a neighborís pit bull knocked her down and bit her bottom lip off her face. Did the dog eat it, or did it lie in the dirt like a bit of meat? Shellyís mom sued the guy who owned it, thereíd already been a bunch of complaints and he was suppossed to keep the beast chained up. She won a lot of money and took Shelly to the best plastic surgeon and they made her a new lip. Out of what? Guess,she said. She was gloating. It was impossible to impress Shelly because she would just make up a lie to top whatever story you told her. They took a skin graft from my motherís pussy! she screamed. Your Motherís Pussy? My mamaís pussy! She Must Have Really Loved You, I said. Shelly wanted to leave the bar, looking around the bright darkness with wild eyes. Letís make a movie. Shelly claimed to have bunches of cameras, video, super 8. I assumed she was full of shit, but she left the bar and came back with two cameras, old and silver like laser guns from a 50s science fiction movie. When Shelly actually delivered it made me wonder if maybe she wasnít a liar, maybe her lips were fasioned from her mamaís labia and the aliens were talking to her and the world was really going to end, soon, and shit would finally start to happen.


up to top



Sini Anderson


Sign: Scorpio
Hometown: Chicago, IL

Favorite Van Breakdown on 98 tour: Somewhere in L.A., where we we couldnít go more than three blocks without breaking down. At the 76 station, where I was with the girly girls, they gave me an up-doo and put a lot of makeup on me. We then took faux prom pictures behind pretty trees and celebrated by getting frozen drinks. We still made it to the next show!
Best 98 Tour Bar Fight: New Orleans for sure!! After the Hi-Ho Lounge, where Carina and Stanya kicked some serious ass over an Etch-A-Sketch! I wish you couldíve seen it!
Favorite Tour Beauty Product: Bioreí Strips.

FLAME SCATTERED SKY

I TOSSED MY HEART IN THE SKY TODAY
MAGIC
THE WAY THINGS BURN - - - - - - MID AIR
STRATEGY WAS NEVER VERY INTERESTING TO ME
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BREATHE ON MY OWN
SHE ALWAYS COUNTED
WONDERING WHICH LOVER SHE WAS PRESSING THROUGH NOW.

I TRIED TO GRAB MY HEART BACK
PROMISE THAT IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. . .
I BECAME A GENIUS LIAR TO MY SHATTERED PARTS
I SINK MY FACE INTO LARGE ALES TO COOL THE BURNING

AND MY LOVE BLOWS OUT LIKE FUSES - - -I WON'T REPLACE
ONE BY ONE
AND YEAH - - - WE CAN STILL FUCK
STRATEGIC AND REMOVED

I'VE PLACED MY HEART IN MY HEAD
DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY HEAD?
IT'S WHAT I PRESSED ON YOU THAT FIRST NIGHT
PERVERTED AND TRAGIC - - - -IT MADE YOU CUM

AND I ASK YOU NOW.
HOW DOES THIS MAKE YOU FEEL?
AND YOU - - - WITH EDUCATION AND STRATEGY AND FUCKS . . . .
A LONG DOZEN SECONDS OF NOTHING . . . SILENCE
EMPTY IS WHAT YOU WOULDN'T TELL ME
AND FUCKED IS HOW I FEEL
I PANIC AND JUMP
I'M TAKING MY HEART OUT OF THE SKY
LIKE MAGIC . . . . MID AIR
MY ASHES DISAPPEAR WITH ALE
AND YEAH - - - - I LOVE YOU
THANKS FOR THE FUCKING POEM



up to top



Kassy Kayiatos


Sign: Libra
Hometown: Burlingame, CA

Favorite Road Snack: Peach Pie and Wild Berry Pop Rocks
First Concert: New Kids on the Block
Favorite vice: Spending lotsa money on all my other vices

Ode to the Man

sing song
going so long
in my brain
driving me to the point of insanity
well - - bring that man to me
and i'll strip him of his dignity
show you what they really are
and just how far youíll let him go
nobody knows why it's like this - -
seems society just accepts this - -
to be the role that they play.
will he love me today?
thatís what you wonder
am i the only one dear?

tears you spent
years that went
and youíre still straight
trying to contemplate
the behavior they demonstrate
in which they call love and respect
- - if it's got a penis what do you expect?!

spending his nights out
where does he go when the light's out?
not with you that's for sure
but your mom still says "oh that boy is so mature"

now you know differently took you long enough to finally see
the ways of a boy
treating girls like they're toys
with no emotions
going through the motions
just to get inside
so they can have a place to hide
but the only thing we really need them for is procreation
and as soon as we figure that one out we'll be shouting out
about our lesbian nation



up to top



Tara Jepsen


Sign: Scorpio, Taurus Rising
Hometown:
Green Bay, Wisconsin

Favorite Bar in the United States: The Lexington Club, San Francisco. Otherwise, any bar named "Secrets" in any town
Moment of Shame on 1997 Tour:
Yelling at those people in New Orleans to shut up, then reading in their face. I still feel like an asshole.
Favorite Souvenir from the 1997 Tour: Little snaggle star tattoo on my shoulder.

My mom called me and told me that my ex-uncle Al's girlfriend's daughter Camille was a manager at American Girl Place Cafe, right downtown. I decided to go check it out, intrigued by all the horrible things I had heard about how snooty the place was. I jumped on the orange line train with my friend Sara and we headed downtown. We arrived at the front door of American Girl Place, whose sign was in large, gold letters, with a star over the ií in 'American'. I knew this would be a stellar, patriotic, and very girl-like experience. How right first impressions can be. We entered to a legion of mother-daughter combos trolling the three floors for the state of their gender. Immediatly to our right was an information desk staffed by three ladies in starched white shirts with nametags, who we decided to avoid, not wanting to immediatley feel like the dyke couple in the hyper-normalized world of American Girl Place. I already felt dirty, I donít know why, and later I found out that Sara felt the same way. She said "I felt like a pedophile there, like there was something so displaced and voyeuristic and wrong about my presence there. And dirty." I had to agree. I don't understand this but it is true and it has nothing to do with children. Was it being dykes, a mixed race couple, a little dumpy, or just garden-variety paranoia that made us feel like oddballs? Dunno.




up to top





Nomy Lamm


Sign: Virgo
Hometown: Olympia, WA

Favorite Road Snack: Smartfood
First Concert: Lionel Richie
Favorite vice: Elaborate Eye Makeup

Your body is a whole entire beautiful magical universe of its own, exactly right and perfect. I know that this is not what you have been taught, but it is The Truth. How could anything so incredible ever be denigrated, scoffed at, invaded, discounted, spat on, violated, ridiculed? Your body is magic. What you are thinking now is: why was I told to look at charts, diagrams, scales and teen magazines to tell me what's wrong with me? Why wasn't I told to trust myself? Why did they make me feel like a horrifying ugly pathetic puking loathesome monster, if the truth is that I am magic? As woman, you must learn to identify as an object. You must learn to be objectified, made ugly and disgusting, but not in a way that is powerful or frightening to them - you will be made ugly in a putrid, rotting way. Your soul is the first to rot. Then your heart, then your mind, then your flesh. . . whatever is left is the magical part that will live forever. That is the part of you that is eternal. Your silicone implants.




up to top



Ali Liebegott


Sign: Leo
Hometown:
Newbury Park, CA

Favorite Bar in the United States: Double Down Saloon, Las Vegas
Moment of Shame on 1997 Tour:
Drunkenly sabotaging Dyke TV interview at P.S.122 in New York City
Favorite Souvenir from the 1997 Tour: Mom's name tattooed on my chest

from The Beautifully Worthless

Dear Lamby,

Spent a night in a motel trying to watch the scrambled porn channel. Only managed to see the occasional breast and hear the plot - a dominatrix who was being stalked by a psycho trick. It made me think of all the dykes in San Francisco I knew who were sex workers. This morning I walked Rorschach near the train tracks while I waited for my oil to be changed. I felt curiously attracted to the kid who was working on my truck. I wondered what it would be like to live in a place like this and have a boyfriend who worked at the filling station. There was a postcard stand in the office and one had a picture of Laramie, and on the back, the history of the town. Butch Cassidy was in prison for 18 months here, and also the first female jurors served in March 1870. Then there was this asterisk, and it said, This hasnít happened yet, but in October 1998, two boys will lure a twenty-one-year-old gay student out of a bar, rob, pistol whip, and tie him to a fence leaving him for dead. A bicyclist will find him hung on a fence and left for dead. The student will never regain consciousness and die a week later. One of his murderers will say he was embarrassed when the guy flirted with him in a bar.

xoxox



up to top




Jane LeCroy


Sign: Aries
Hometown: Nyack, New York

Favorite Road Snack: Avacado
First Concert: U2 Joshua Tree Tour 1987
Favorite vice: Being blunt and indulging in delusions of grandeur

As We Are

Dinosaurs did not go extinct
they evolved into birds.
After roaming the earth for millions of years taking up so much space
in cumbersome bodies, thick skin, gravity relentless;
they knew to get small and bust out some wings.
So they did, left their bones in the dust
for archeologists armed with soft brushes and spoons for digging.

We learn change means extinction.
I believe it after eating so many shadows
thinking the darkness would fill me but only left hungry.
An archeologist studying the past
to find what has left us
what will leave us again.

Nothing is forever
all diamonds are turning back to coal
the jeweler knows, armed with magnifying glasses and the tiniest tools.
Diamonds are cut with water
the softest substance always shapes the hardest.

This is all true
the armies of the heart
working to discover the world
precious stones, semi-precious stones, dinosaur bones

How many times will I bite my tongue looking for food
from these shadows?
The archeologist answers my question
digging for years finding nothing.
The jeweler always fixing broken things
and it's never the same.
Until eventually we donít even recognize ourselves.

My mouth is full of blood
these are the good times
to know we are alive
with the pain of it.



up to top



Silas Flipper


Sign: Gemini
Favorite Road Snack: Snickers Bar & Fritos, eaten in alternating bites so you get a salt and sugar fix.
First Concert: Pat Benetar at a collesium in Montreal

Later I decided love is a little like that story, you know there's an accident up ahead and you spend all this precious time imagining the crash and its various forms when really you could come out with only a few scrapes. Rare but it happens. I just keep trying to see things as metaphors, cause I'm learning about 'em - you know metaphors are cool, they say things so's people can understand how you're feeling, like if you say "I'm upset" - that could be anything, but if you say "my heart feels like a tipped over motorbike", that really gives you the feeling, like whoa, that's an unexpected drag. Or like fairy tales use metaphor, right? Young George is fishing on a boat and three ships with a princess czar and her thrity foster sisters appear, so maybe it's just this regular girl in some fishing dingy, like olí George is a regular dude but it's love at first sight and overwhelming so it feels like some big friggin ticker tape parade. Yeah so I try to use metaphors for writing poetry but I only just started and I'm still gettin down the rhyming thing, here's my first poem about a Metallica concert it goes like this: 10,000 in San Jose and the band really fuckin rocked one girl rocked so hard she knocked her kid off the speaker box another girl exclaimed I was pregnant the last time Metallica played her girlfriend exclaimed no way it's been that long since I've been laid The families taught all their kids to hail Satan the beer line was long, dude, we were waitin some man got his hair caught in the guitar player's shirt sleeve another man horked into his blue kercheif fun was had.



up to top





Anna Joy Springer


Sign: Taurus/Taurus Moon/Capricorn Rising
Hometown: Merced, CA

Favorite Road Snack: Blue Gatorade
First Concert: Howard Jones
Favorite vice: Eating Percodin then using warm citrus to jerk off while watching softporn coming-of-age stories on Showtime Late Night

Excerpt from On Ageism

1. The young boy

Tiny tiny little baby man! Let's see the precious pecker baby! Teeny little precious doily, gramma's pride, come to momma, come to momma's mouthy bring the stinky. Oopsy-now, don't claw, no grabbies, lay so still like a tall ant hill. Inside you ants are partying, not working for the winter. Oh! Your stinky biting ant heart clutched by teeny little boy ribs. Come now, give your momma, sister, sister's lezzy bed buddy and clubhouse girls, grandmommy, a taste of tiny boy juice. Drip me a drop, a drippy for we haggard beggerly. Oh! Prick up your cock all stiffy like a rigormortos puppy, bobbing in the canal. Give me a taste. Bald and flipping, my fish too small to keep, can you take it if I punch your tummy, don't you want to be a man? Don't you want to be my hubby, fucker-baby son forever? Mommy loves you makes you pudding, makes you oily sardine cunt pies. Lay there still, don't die.




up to top



Tarin Towers


Sign: Leo, Cancer Rising, Virgo Cusp (complicated girl)
Hometown: Grantsville, Maryland

Favorite Road Snack: Spap-oop (what the Doo-Dads box says upside down)
First Concert: Sting, the Soul Cages Tour (with Concrete Blonde!)
Favorite vice: A toss-up between Sloth, Whiskey and Smoking Things.

What I Did Today

Woke up and the phone rang.
Told them you donít live here.
Went back to bed and kissed you
goodbye. Stared at the ceiling.
Got up again, showered, smoked
cigarettes. Stared at your body
while you slept. Cleaned the bathroom.
Threw away my diaphragm. Ate a little
oatmeal, drank a lot of coffee. Stared
at the tv. It was still off, you were still
out. Took out the trash. Slept.



up to top



Laurie Weeks


Sign: Aries
Hometown: Nampa, Idaho

Favorite Road Snack: French Fries
First Concert: Supertramp
Favorite vice: Vodka Martinis that sadly I'm unable to drink anymore.

Excerpt from Sonogram

My mother, with her Munchhausen's Syndrome by Proxy, my mother who had sent me to this hospital bed, caused my organs to shut down in protest of her constant hiding of my glasses to teach me to "keep an eye on them", the punishing shopping expeditions to the mall which made my eyes burn, where my body oozed and leaked between the racks of punitive dresses, the cruel mirrors, the condescending, lying sales ladies, the knee socks, lumps of putrid matter throbbing and pistoning beneath my skin like a horror movie where the creature inside struggles to be born, burst forth through your skin, couldnít they see, my mother and the salesladies asthey commented on my short waist large nose the least of my worries, couldn't they see? My mother killed me and then she coaxed me back to life in an erotic frenzy of remorse with stroking and concern and whipers and tears. It is no coincidence that my mother was young and lovely, continued to look far younger than her years well into her 60s. In class I wet my pants every day. Uncontrollably I'd tell jokes then just as uncontrollably laugh until my impressionable bladder joined in the fun and lost control of itself and I'd wet my pants. Every day I walked home from school with my coat wrapped around my waist. I was thirteen and I lived alone.



up to top

© pear transmedia, inc.